Eyes Shut
by Lady Amaly
Summary: Ciel didn't need Sebastian, he really didn't. Maybe he could just get himself to believe that as well. A little AU-ish one-shot. SebastianxCiel


Hello, folks. I've been in love with Kuroshitsuji for a while, and I thought, "Why not write something?" And this little thing was born. I hope you will like it.

* * *

**Eyes Shut.**

It hurt. His head hurt. His back hurt. Everything hurt. It was a pain like he had never experienced before, both burning and draining. It was hot and alive, throbbing hard in his head and in his chest, nailing him down to his bed and making it impossible for him to get up.

He had no knowledge of where he was, but he assumed he was back at his mansion. It was the most logic assumption, but there was a nagging voice in his head telling him he was wrong. He couldn't be wrong, could he? Surely, Sebastian would come in any moment and wake him up, pull him out of this haze world he was in.

Hazy? He supposed that was the right word for it. It was a dream like state where his mind was aware of everything, every sensation and every sound, but he couldn't move, speak or see. Ciel was floating over a sea of unknown dreams and desires that wears just there, not touching him nor reaching him. There, along with fears and hopes and monsters, and he was left unguarded in front of them all. He felt helpless and he felt weak, and where _was _Sebastian? He needed the demon to wake him up from this and he needed him now, so why wasn't he coming?

Why wasn't he here already, to just answer his questions? Why couldn't he get up? Why couldn't he just pull himself out of this trance? Why didn't the pain stop? Why couldn't he see anything?

* * *

He had no idea how much time passed, how may days he had been asleep, how many hours, minutes seconds he had be conscious. He just knew something was wrong, but he was powerless, all he could do was lay there and wait for somebody do tell him what was going on and answer some questions.

He wanted to get out of bed and find his butler, make his prepare tea, because his throat was raw and painful. He wanted something to eat, because he was so hungry, it felt like he hadn't eaten in weeks. He wanted to take a bath, he was sweating and he was shivering, both at the same time. He was freezing, but couldn't stand the blankets on his skin.

It felt like dying, but he was so very much alive, his body liked to remind him of it constantly.

But why couldn't he just open his eyes?

* * *

Ciel was sure he was awake. It couldn't be possible to be asleep, because he knew what he had felt.

A presence both familiar and unknown, there, in his room.

The bed dipping a little, because of the extra weight of another body.

A cool hand on his forehead and lips. Someone else's lips.

On his forehead. On his cheeks. On his nose.

On his lips. Over his lips. His very first kiss, sweet and gentle and tender. It felt like butterfly wings, caressing him in a painfully loving way he wasn't even sure he deserve. It was barely there and yet it sent all of his chaotic senses in a calm, relaxed state. He was simply floating now, safe and kept away from all of the worlds' harm.

He wanted to cry. What had he ever done to deserve such a kiss? Maybe, if he could open his eyes and see, he would be lost in nothing but love and kindness, he would drown in it and never want to breath again. Maybe, he could stay like this forever.

It was feather-light, almost not there at all, but it was enough to make Ciel tremble and he wanted nothing more than to be with whomever it was that was kissing him. He was sure that he would just give himself completely to that person, because he was being treated like something special. Precious.

Then it was over. Just like that. Just like it began, and his heart stopped, for a second. That was it.

He knew it would be the last time he would feel it. It wasn't just a kiss. It was a precious, loving, tender, bittersweet goodbye kiss, and somehow he felt it. He just wished he could keep the memory of it close.

* * *

When he finally got his answers, he wanted to go back to sleep, pretend he never heard them in the first place. Elizabeth was the one that told him and, in his mind, he could see her just as she was right then and there. Small, a little taller than she had been a few years back, with big green eyes swimming in tears, cheeks red and little, gloved hands busing themselves with anything in reach.

She was mumbling and she was barley making any sense, but if Ciel had gotten everything right, he was now … blind. There had been some sort of accident while they were chasing the latest suspect to a string of murders that had occurred. It shouldn't have been something so big, but who would have guessed? His eye, the contract, had been removed. That was all he needed to hear. He would have asked where Sebastian was, but he wasn't there, was he? He was gone now. Ciel was no longer the contract bearer; he had no obligation there, but just to leave like that? No good-bye? Why the Hell was he surprised by something like that? He shouldn't be, it's not like Sebastian was ever there for him, it was just the contract, but…he couldn't help the feeling of loneliness and disappointment that washed over him.

* * *

He refused to think he was helpless. He was not. He was not. Ciel Phantomhive was a weak, helpless child that was incapable of taking care of himself. He wasn't. He didn't need Sebastian. He didn't need eyes. He didn't need anything, he was perfectly fine. He would make it, he would be alright.

If he could get himself to believe that, it would be alright.

* * *

He had gotten used to the darkness, or so he liked to think. It wasn't that bad, really. He knew where everything in the house was, he had Elizabeth to help him every now and then and he had hired a secretary to help him with his paper-work. All in all, it was …acceptable. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing.

The food was horrible, of course. The sheets were never as clean and crisp as they once were. He didn't want to think of the way the garden looked. He didn't want to care about things like that, so he didn't.

He didn't want to miss that damned demon; he was better of without him. He didn't want to admit he needed him, even if every once in a while, he still had the urge to call out his name. He was better off without him, anyway. He was, right?

So what if he had been his arms and his legs and his strength? What if he had been the one dependable constant that had existed in his life for the past six years, no matter what? It didn't matter, because Sebastian had just left, without saying a goodbye or at least warning him first. He just left, when he needed him the most.

Ciel wished he didn't want him to come back.

* * *

Maybe he was paranoid. It was possible. He was always on-guard, always had his ears opened for every sound, no matter how small. He couldn't see, but he refused to be taken by surprise. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, now can you? Yeah, he was getting paranoid.

But maybe that wasn't it. Maybe he was just imagining things. It could be possible. He searched for every little distraction and familiarity in his surroundings; just to take his mind of the dark void he was swimming into. So it was possible for his mind to place tricks on him every once in a while, right?

Or maybe he was just going mad. Maybe, at the age of sixteen, his mind had just snapped because of the stress, the weight of the world and the burden he carried.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

Maybe it was true. Maybe someone was in his room late at night, when he was having trouble sleeping, but still kept those silk ribbons tied around his eyes. The presence was there, but it didn't move nor did it talk or breathe. It was just something there, that was impossible to describe and it made him nervous. But he never called out. He just waited. And nothing happened.

Nothing. Never. If someone were indeed there, wouldn't they want something to do with him?

What scared him the most was that he knew who it was. Or he just thought he did. He couldn't quite place his finger on it, but there was a solid, safe feeling he had whenever he felt him around. It was both thrilling and awful. It was familiar and it gave him a little hope, but he didn't dare voice it.

Maybe if he waited a little longer, then the person that was there would say something, anything, but he never did. And his patience was coming to an end. If he was paranoid or insane and nobody was there, it would be okay. If there was someone there, he just wanted to know who it was. He wanted to know if it was _him. _

But every time he wanted to call out his name, he just couldn't find the strength to say it.

* * *

He grabbed his hand.

He had been in bed, lying there and gathering courage to speak, when he felt him move and then he was near him and he just felt his body move and he grabbed his hand and oh, God, he knew it, he just knew it, it was him because he just felt it like a current running through him and it was Sebastian and…

"_Stay"_

There was a moment of hesitation, but them he felt the bed dip a little and the hand in his gripped him a little.

He didn't know why, but his heart started beating faster.

* * *

It became a routine, since them. Sebastian would come and stay with him and they would talk the night away. Sometimes, no words were necessary; they could understand each other through kissing and through touching. They both needed something only the other could give. Ciel wanted to see the world he never had the chance to explore and Sebastian felt the need to show it to him.

That must be the explanation, he could think of no other, nor did he want another. He was stuck in darkness and Sebastian was like a raft for him to hold onto and cling to. He needed him and hated the possibility of being nothing more than some pass time for the demon. However, he constantly reminded himself that if that were the case, Sebastian wouldn't have waited for so long to come near him.

But what if he disappeared again? He was once again dependent, but this time, he loved every minute of it. The heat and the excitement, the kisses and the sighs, the feel of the demons sweat slick skin on his and the way his hair felt between his fingers. They all painted a very different image of Sebastian, on that he enjoyed and wished he could see with his very own eyes. There was no way he could ever give him up this time around.

* * *

He was breathing heavily, taking in big gulps of air and letting them out slowly, trying to call his racing heartbeat and come down from where ever he was. His body felt weak and he wanted to melt down, mold himself to fit next to the demon and stay that way for eternity. He wished for noting more than to lie next to him and drift off into space, being certain that he was safe. He never felt safe anymore, not in his world of shadows. Ciel only felt safe when Sebastian's arms were around him and when the ex-butlers silence told him how much he cared for him.

* * *

Ciel would never admit it, of course, but he loved to lie on his back and tighten his legs around his lover's middle. He loved being kissed and caressed and everything romance implied. He enjoyed it when Sebastian dressed him after they finished making love and how he sometimes held him, with his back touching the others marble white skin. (He couldn't see it, but he was sure Sebastian was like that, pale and lean, all smooth and perfect and just beautiful, in every sense possible.)

Maybe, if he still had sight, he could see if those eyes of his glowed in the dark every once in a while. Maybe, if he wasn't blind, he could see a somewhat arrogant, conceited smirk of his handsome face. Maybe he could see a little care and fondness, some form of twisted love in the depths of the demons bloodstained eyes.

* * *

He refused to let Sebastian examine the wounds on his face. It wasn't as if Ciel cared about the way he looked, but it was something about being so exposed to the demon that made him feel weak and helpless. He hated it, even thought his current situation made him like that.

The idea of not being attractive enough had never crossed his mind, honestly. When he slapped away Sebastian's hands it wasn't because of that, he just didn't want the other to see the marks of his failure. That was it. When Sebastian took the silk off without his consent, he wanted to hit him, but his breathe just caught in his throat.

Sebastian laid soft kisses on his deadeyes and he wanted nothing more than to see him, right then and there.

* * *

He never expected it. Not again. He was sure this time; he was there to stay. He was wrong again, wasn't he?

One night, Sebastian just didn't come. He left him waiting. The same thing happened again. And again. And again. In the end, he just had to accept that he was left all alone, surrounded by people, but not knowing any of them.

It was okay, wasn't it? He had no need of Sebastian in his life, right?

If he managed to believe otherwise, it would be okay.

* * *

He didn't know why he fell. Maybe he tripped. That would probably be the case. He didn't care. Not now. Not when there were arms around him, keeping him from reaching the ground. He was in the middle of a crowded London street and he couldn't breathe, because he knew whose arms where around him and he did not dare to ruin the moment.

It only lasted a second, because in the next one, there was nobody there, he was all-alone again. However, this time, he knew everything would be okay.

* * *

A cookie for a review? A Ciel in a box? A naked-Sebastian with ribbons?


End file.
